


I'm not that boy

by UmiAzuma



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: F/M, Gen, I Don't Even Know, Romance, Songfic, What Have I Done, i did the thing, i wrote a thing, it's one-sided but it's not one-sided I think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-13
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 13:24:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1133162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmiAzuma/pseuds/UmiAzuma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Don't wish, don't start, wishing only wounds the heart.</p><p>Tauriel could be that girl, but Kili knew he wasn't that boy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I'm not that boy

**Author's Note:**

> Guise! I wrote the thing!
> 
> Please do not think I have forgotten my Les Mis work because I haven't, but this has been bothering me ever since I saw the Desolation of Smaug movie and yeah, I had to do it :3
> 
> I took some liberties and modified the song 'I'm not that girl' from the musical Wicked, you can find the song and wallow in feels here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaT7DaqPbxs
> 
> Please be nice, it's the first time I write something Hobbit related ;u;

 

**I'm not that boy**

 

_Hands touch, eyes meet,_

_sudden silence, sudden heat_

_hearts leap in a giddy whirl._

_She could be that girl,_

_but I'm not that boy._

 

Their fingers had touched when she returned his mother’s token, their eyes met when she told him that his promise to his mother was precious and pure, and he suddenly felt unable to say anything to her, his face flushed as soon as he saw her smile, his heart beating furiously in his chest, and for a moment, he wondered if she felt the same way, her genuine curiosity and excitement when he spoke of the fire-moon near Dunland telling him that she was at least, a little bit interested.

 

She was perfect, all creamy skin and high cheekbones and long, delicate limbs, and he could have loved her, and she could have held his heart...

 

But he could never hold hers; he could never be what she would want.

 

_Don't dream too far, don't lose sight of who you are,_

_don't remember that rush of joy._

_She could be that girl,_

_I'm not that boy_

 

He had to remind himself, once she left for the night -promising to return in the early morning, for she too, wanted to be part of the Meleth en Gilith for that night-, that he should not dream too far, and Fili, in the cell not too far away from his, scolded him for losing sight of who _he_ was and who _she_ was, told him that even if she harbored any kind of feelings for him, why would an elf risk dishonor or hate from her kind for someone like him? Best forget that ephemeral moment spent speaking of stars and moons and lights far away.

 

She was as far away from his reach as the stars anyway.

 

He couldn’t be what she needed or desired.

 

_Every so often we long to steal,_

_to the land of what might have been,_

_but that doesn't soften the ache we feel_

_when reality sets back in_

 

His mind, however, roamed far, far away, to a land where kinds and hate between them no longer existed, to a world where a fair skinned elf with hair like copper and rosy cheeks peppered with freckles held his hand, and promised herself to him, in the middle of a meadow dimly lit by the stars, ribbons of many colors tied their wrists together, in a bond that would last until death separated them, pearls and beads of gold adorned the beautiful braids in her long hair.

 

But when he opened his eyes from the kiss he deposits gently on her soft forehead to look again at her face, all smiles and blushes, and he discovers in pain that he’s not there anymore, but back in the cell, in Mirkwood, and there’s no ribbons in his wrists and there’s no pearls and beads of gold in her hair, and she is far, far away from him.

 

_Blithe smile, lithe limb_

_he who's winsome,_

_he will win,_

_gold hair with a gentle curl,_

_that's the boy she chose_

_and heaven knows,_

_I'm not that boy_

 

He sees her then, far away, talking with that prim and proper little prince, and he makes her smile, and it almost seems as if he makes her nervous, like she actually _likes_ him. He touches her arm and she doesn’t move an inch, like it’s something he does frequently, like it’s a gesture that is _normal_. And something inside him dies a little because why wouldn’t she like him? He is all princely and all gentle smiles and lithe limbs and grace and elegance.

 

He is winsome; of course he would win her. Of course she would want him, any lass in her right mind would want him, tall and regal and fair skinned, with hair like spun gold.

 

Of course she would choose him; of course she would, over a dwarf, naturally. But it wasn’t even the first time someone chose a better person, a lot of times his hopes were shattered by dwarf lasses who were actually more interested in his brother. Fair Fili with golden hair and a wonderful beard and skin as white as winter snow no matter how much time he spent under the sun.

 

He was never what anyone wanted. He was not that boy.

 

_Don't wish, don't start_

_wishing only wounds the heart,_

_I wasn't born for the rose and the pearl,_

_there's a boy I know,_

_she loves him so,_

_I'm not that boy._

 

Why should he keep his hopes up? It had always been this way, even when he was little, his mother used to tell him ‘Don’t start, Kili’, and that was enough to make him stop wanting something, because his mother was terrifying, not because he actually stopped wanting something.

But wishing was no good, wishing and wanting and wishful thinking only hurt him in the end, he was not made for her, and she was not made for him. He wasn’t born with such luck.

There was another boy he had seen before, and she liked him, and he made her blush and smile and dream of his arms around her.

And Kili knew he was not that boy.


	2. I'm not that boy (reprise)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Legolas realizes he's not that boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guise, I finished the thing! :3

**I'm not that boy (Reprise)**

_Don't wish, don't start_

_wishing only wounds the heart_

He knew it from the moment Tauriel left Mirkwood and from the moment he followed her, and he knew it from the moment he had seen her stay behind to care for the dwarf.

 

They were never meant to be anyway, his Ada said, and it didn’t help, it only made him weep harder against his Ada’s robes, while he caressed his braided hair gently, like when he was a child, and allowed him to cry, because there was nothing else he could do to ease his son’s pain.

 

All his life, Legolas was used to getting what he wanted, but this was something he could not get, not because he didn’t have the power to, if his Ada wanted, he could actually force Tauriel into a marriage with him, but what good would that do if she thought of another, if she yearned for another, if she would die for another? She would stay by his side because of her sense of duty, but would fade away slowly and would be lost to him because of her sadness for not being with the one she really loved.

 

No, this time he could not get what he wanted, doing so would break Tauriel’s heart and make him lose her gentle friendship, something he had such a hard time gaining. He wished he could have gained her love, but there was someone else out there who was, somehow, more deserving, and she loved him and her loved her back.

 

And it was not him.

_There's a boy I know,_

_she loves him so,_

_I'm not that boy._

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave lovely comments or kudos, as those keep me going and make me a happy bunny :3


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